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Ten Things You Should Never Say To A Nerd

Let’s face it, being a nerd can be trying on the soul.

From the moment we leave the relative safety and warm hydrated goodness of our first dwelling, we find ourselves hated and feared by a world that doesn’t understand us. Yes, that also applies to the X-Men, but I would have used it first if fate had simply allowed me to be born before those other guys.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the life of a nerd can be a challenging existence.

Granted, we currently rule the television landscape, the web, podcasts, the cineplex, (or, if you’re of Yankee descent, the multiplex), advertising, technology, and we’re making tremendous inroads in literature, though many of the most powerful modern-day scribes possess the all-mighty uterus. It’s a wonderful time to be a writer with girl parts, folks. Girl parts rule.

JK Rowling- Author of the Harry Potter book series
JK Rowling- Author of the Harry Potter book series

But, at the end of the day, the Kardashians and other so-called “non-ugly” people are still perched at the top of the food chain, just where they’ve always been; leaving the rest of humanity to carve out a slice of happiness from online dating, paid companionship, the occasional hot chick desperate to punish her parents and anywhere else they can find it. This explains why so many nerds are still in the closet. With a flashlight, a fully-charged laptop, and a stack of comics, of course.

Batman during a time of his life that he doesn't like to discuss often
Batman during a time of his life that he doesn’t like to discuss often

By now you’re no doubt asking yourself two questions:

  1.   Why do they keep letting Ben Affleck play superheroes?
  2.   Where is The Hook going with this?

Here’s the deal: If you regularly interact with a nerd (and you do, whether you realize it or not) heed Walter White and tread carefully. Believe it or not, we’re a sensitive bunch. We’re also cowardly and superstitious. (Or is that criminals? Who can keep all these facts straight?) At any rate, here are ten sentences that should never pass your Muggle lips while interacting with a nerd.

1)  “Maybe it’s just a phase?”  (I still don’t talk to my mom.)

2)  “Why do you have so many comic books around your bedroom? Where’s all the porn?”  To be fair, the young lady in question meant well – but she made Kim Kardashian look like Valeria Richards. Not that I cared much at the time; nerds, like most humans, are slaves to our hormones.

3)  “Maybe Denny Crane was right… you should get a life!”  This is wrong on more than one level. But if you don’t know that, you may be too far gone. But I’ll pray for you.

4) “I thought the Green Lantern movie was great! Ryan Reynolds gave a command performance, just like he did in R.I.P.D. And Tim Robbins was just as good as he was in The Shawshank Redemption.”

green_lantern_313155)  “The superhero movie bubble is bound to burst soon.”  I hope to God the first movie executive to ever speak those words was trapped in a screening room and forced to watch The Adventures of Pluto Nash until he gouged his own eyes out with a straw.

6)  “Joel Schumacher is my favorite director.”  Yes, that noise you hear really is a billion nerds screaming in unison…


7)  “Who’s that on your t-shirt? Is that a Disney or Nickelodeon character?”

8)  “You still like toys? How cute! Your parents must be happy to have you still living in the basement!”

9)  “The Spider-Man Clone Saga was a brilliant piece of writing. Just like the decision to have Norman Osborn bang Gwen Stacy and have two mutant children with her. Comics don’t get any better.”  Fun Fact: I once overheard a guy speak those words at the Silver Snail in Toronto. Once the mob stopped twitching they chased him down the street until their asthma overtook them.

10)  “The comics, superhero movies, toys and all that stuff were cute in the past, but isn’t it time to grow up?”  That one really hurt, but she’s my daughter what can I do?

To sum up, being a nerd has its highs and lows, so if you’re a mere mortal, give the nerds in your life a break and choose your words carefully. And my fellow nerds? Never waver from your destiny, for it is a fate overflowing with glory. Yes, that glory will always belong to others, but there’s nothing shameful about living vicariously through those individuals.

Never forget, this world needs nerds. Nerds are dreamers and dreamers built this world. On the backs of the working class, of course.

I guess what I’m saying is, don’t do drugs and stay in school, kids. Drugs will only dull your senses and prevent you from fully enjoying all fandom has to offer. And if you stay in school your parents have no choice but to look after you. Which they should. After all, if they were too cheap to spring for birth control the least they can do is pay for that mistake (i.e. you), for the rest of their lives.

See you on the streets of Pulp Nation, friends…

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