I had one of the strangest experiences of my life on Saturday night, June 4th, and it involved Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes.
And no, it didn’t involve me committing acts that would be illegal even in Vegas, although there was plenty of sex involved. This year, as part of my Niagara Falls Comic Con experience, I decided to purchase a ticket for an evening show starring two of my favorite stoners of all time.
I had never seen Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes’ Jay And Silent Bob Get Old stage show or podcast, but I should have known something was up when an older gentleman from Philadelphia in line turned to me and asked, “Have you ever seen this show before, buddy?”
And when I answered “no”?
“Well then, son… you’re in for a treat! If you ever wanted to have sex with Jason Mewes, then this is the show for you!”
And he wasn’t lying.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. The real story here is the experience itself. I had a blast standing in line with my fellow nerds for over an hour. We shared con stories. We shared pieces of our lives. Most importantly, we saved each other’s spots in line for washroom breaks.
Cons are tough on a nerd’s bladder, folks.
Sal from Boston who was frantically scanning the crowd for his perpetually -late son (they found each other fifteen minutes after the doors finally opened). Judy and Jackie from Philly who worshiped the ground Jason Mewes walked on. (They were uber cute.) Two “brown brothers” as they called themselves who couldn’t wait to see Smith; sadly, they had to leave shortly after the show started as it began an hour-and-half late. (More on that later.) A Deadpool from England who was going to unsheathe his swords and start slicing con organizers when it appeared Jay and Silent Bob were super late. I met people from all over the globe.
And they were all awesome. The bonding continued when the doors opened and we bled into the theater and starting filling seats. Locating the perfect seat is an exercise in itself; the VIP ticket holders took the first four rows and so that left the rest of us to duke it out for a decent spot in the cheap seats. Fortunately, there were no battles. Everyone had bonded sufficiently and so the seats were divided up equitably.
Boring, I know. But on the plus side, it was a lovely metaphor for the power of fandom to overcome mankind’s natural instinct to battle over land.
And so we bonded even more and waited.
Eventually, the crowd began to rebel. By chanting. We’re Canadians, people, what’d you expect? A full-blown riot? A convention minion soon appeared to quell the crowd and after a few apologies, people decided to take bathroom breaks and go for snacks. I joined them and hit the facilities. Naturally, that’s when I could hear the crowd screaming like rabid wolverines on Red Bull.
I’ve never zipped up so fast in my life.
I raced back in just as the show began and true to my new friend’s word, I was treated to a show unlike any I’ve ever seen. Never mind a Tijuana donkey show, Jay And Silent Bob Get Old is… well, I don’t know how to properly describe it without therapy puppets. Here’s a quick breakdown by segments.
ONE) The boys chatted a bit and then Smith shared a heartfelt trip down Memory Lane. As it turns out, Niagara Falls holds a genuinely special place in Silent Bob’s heart. The man maybe the ultimate cinematic stoner, but he values family/friendship above all. He gushed over Clifton Hill and the Falls in general. and then it was onto a bit of business.
TWO) The trailer for Smith’s newest flick, Yoga Hosers, drops Monday and he had Mewes film him doing an introduction that included the Niagara Falls audience. It seemed to go swimmingly at first and then Smith kept flubbing his lines – much to our delight. A simple exercise became a hilarious train wreck. The best part?
“Now you can all go on IMDB and give yourselves a ‘directed by Kevin Smith’ credit!”
THREE) More crazy reminisces of past adventures and Smith’s “bear buddy” (trust me, look it up) and traveling pal, Malcolm – which, incidentally, were some of the funniest and most disgusting tales I’ve ever heard – and the podcast onstage began.
FOUR) Smith thanked the audience for supporting the boys’ endeavor for years. “This show gives this knucklehead (Mewes) a reason to stay off drugs and we owe you all for that.” Smith, like Washington, cannot tell a lie; his words were honest and laced with gratitude. Mewes, for his part, melted the audience’s collective heart with tales of his love for his newborn child. These two men get it, they get the ultimate truth of our existence: if you don’t live for those you love and vice-versa, life is meaningless.
And after he melted our hearts with sweetness and true emotion, Jason Mewes switched tracks.
FIVE) Jason Mewes shared a sex story involving his beautiful wife and a cloak and a wand he acquired from The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. And I knew I’d never look at those films the same way again…
SIX) Smith and Mewes discussed the latter’s many battles with drugs and the law. Jay then shared a tale from one of his many rehab journals. (There’s thirty of ’em! I was in rehab a lot.)
SEVEN) Jay Mewes selected three audience members. To have simulated sex with. Smith: “This isn’t my favorite part of the show, but the audience, and especially Mewes, love it… so here we go.” Yep. My new friend definitely wasn’t lying…
The show came to a rousing conclusion. Pun intended. And that should’ve been the end of our tale except for one little detail…
Smith, Mewes and Malcolm bunked down for the night at the hotel where I serve as a bellman. And so the next morning, as I walked through the lobby, I passed Jason Mewes. A few minutes later, I passed Silent Bob. I knew what I had to do.
ME: Oh, Mr. Smith, Mr. Mewes was looking for you.
SMITH: Mr. Mewes found me. (Waving a signed blu-ray copy of Chasing Amy.) Do you know where I can find Malcolm?
Malcolm works in room service. Malcolm worships Smith. Malcolm was one lucky server when he delivered some grub to his idol and got to chat with him for twenty-five minutes.
ME: I can drop that off for you, sir. By the way, I caught your show last night.
SMITH: Hey, thanks, man! (He shook my hand in gratitude.) By the way, what time did your ticket say the show was supposed to start?
ME: Seven pm.
SMITH: Those… (To his credit, Smith held himself in check.) I’ve got a guy sending me a message on Instagram, ‘Hey, man, you started the show an hour-and-a-half late!’ And he’s not alone! Did it say the doors opened at seven?
ME: No, it said Seven. But you’re Kevin Smith. The show starts when you say it does –
SMITH: No, man, it doesn’t. It’s not cool. My itinerary said the doors opened at seven and the show would start at eight-thirty.
Even though it was a simple miscommunication, he was genuinely angry that his fans felt slighted. This was a man who realized just how lucky he was to have such a rabid fan base. If I didn’t love the guy before…
ME: Well, at least the show was more than worth the wait.
SMITH: So glad you loved it, man.
ME: I really did. In fact, you’ve been an inspiration to me. (I’ve felt like giving up on the whole writing thing for months now, but Smith keeps me inspired.) By the way, we “talk” on Twitter, I’m the Terrible Hook.
SMITH: Oh yeah, I know you.
I swear, I was going to explode like a giddy school girl with TNT strapped to her nubile chest.
SMITH: (Shaking my hand again and pointing at me.) Let’s take a picture.
ME: That’d be great – if I had a phone!
Yeah, I’m the only person in the free world without a cellphone. Let the mocking begin.
SMITH: Well, here.
And Kevin Smith whipped it out. (His phone, perverts.) Took a pic of us both and I realized how much I suck at posing for pictures. I also realized why Smith uses the same wide-eyed look in pics; it’s a great fallback.
SMITH: I’ll post it somewhere.
He hasn’t yet, but to be fair, he headed right out to another show in Dallas the same day. Jay and Silent Bob don’t sit around man. Their fans really do mean everything to them.
And that’s why Kevin Smith is and always will be my hero.
See you on the streets of Pulp Nation, kids…